The Federal Government's New Workplace Relations Reform

Howard's new Industrial Relations laws . . .

Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to havenon-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employeeinvolvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the lateafternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hourand subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now strictthree-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, analarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall doorwill open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, yourpicture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "ChronicOffenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will besanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, sothat they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunchto get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby peopleget 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink aSlim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide apositive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,concerns, complaints, frustration's, irritations, aggravations,insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternationand input should be directed elsewhere.